Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Evolution

Every day for the past week or so I've been struck with that elusive and magical and completely wonderful creative energy that sometimes I'm convinced has taken a permanent leave of absence. Lately when I catch it, it's to make photos or a drawing...but beautifully, miraculously, it's been writing this time. Two days in a row I woke up and wrote a new poem. I've been pulling out my my ideas book a few times every day, jotting down a line or I think of and revisit it later. I haven't done that since high school, but here I am! For now, on my days off between graduation (!) and when I start working, I'm relaxing, watching bad comedy after bad comedy, reading The Hour I First Believed (Wally Lamb) and making time for hashing out my creative ideas. Vacation couldn't be better.

Just a freewrite on my creativity

Something changed in me. I used to fear the worse, dread the inevitable, shake my head and swear on a daily basis that my craziness was going to be the death of me. I’d look in private at my journals and drawings, which more often than resulted in my sinking feelings. There was too much competition, I’d think. Everyone else is so talented, what on earth is going to make me stand out? How can I even call myself an artist when my pencil marks are showing and I can’t draw a human face to save my life? How can I put that label on myself if I’m so unsure? I tore myself down, thought up two bad things for every good, drowned occasionally in my anxiety and pulled myself out struggling. And I can’t say what changed. Maybe it’s that I’m graduating, or had a recent life turnaround, or maybe I’m just growing up. Maybe it’s because I stopped taking all those pills I thought I needed. But suddenly, the world is clearer. I feel better. I’ve never felt so pleased with myself. I find myself looking through my portfolios or my drawing books and smiling. I want to show people! The other night my roommate and I had his friends over for a night of movies and drinks, and I found myself pulling out portraits I’ve drawn, pointing to my photos on the fridge, and beaming like my own proud parent. Maybe that’s it: now that my parents and I are no longer inextricable, I’ve finally figured out how to be proud for myself. I don’t want to have a big ego, or to annoy the people around me by gushing about myself, but I don’t want to apologize for my inadequacies, either. Those days are over. I like my pencil marks! Why on earth was I apologizing in the first place?
Some days I feel like a floodgate’s been opened in my mind and the creative ideas are overflowing. Those days are good. But there are also the days that nothing comes to me; my creativity has taken a leave of absence. My old self would have wallowed on those days, thought, “this is it, it’s gone forever, I’ve got to rearrange myself and swallow everything.” My newer self can deal with it. I’ve been really off and on lately- it feels like I’m all or nothing. And those days when it’s nothing? Well, I’m kissing my little creative elf goodbye in the morning, sending her off to school with a packed lunch and thinking, “I’ll see her this evening.” And weirdly, it’s been true. When I just accept that today isn’t my day and my drawings look uninspired or my texts are contrived, I settle into something else and wait for her to come back. She always does.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Stadium Love

I need to work on my Senior Evaluation and my children's book...
but I am writing this instead and blasting the new Metric CD.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Groundwork

Things are new, drastic.
Did you know that I'm single now? Long story.
Did you know that I got a new job? It's at a catering company, and I'm basically a prep chef. I'm a little scared of losing a finger, but so far all I've got is a puncture wound in my palm from a dull paring knife.
Did you know that I'm graduating in a month?
I'm supposed to save my tax check for necessities like car insurance and you know, food, but I'm thinking instead of a new tattoo. That seems much more appropriate. I'm reeling lately! My whole world is slightly askew! I sometimes feel like I'm looking through a stereoscope; the depths are all off, the picture's a little blurry. But I'm excited, and my prospects are all over the place. I'm spending a lot of time reconnecting with some of my favorite people, frantically checking things off my to-do list, and waiting for my senior project to be over with (FRIDAY. OMG).
Since I'm couch surfing I'm without a computer, which is easy but inconvenient. And even though I really want to upload photos I've been taking, I can't. Instead, I check out laptops for two-hour intervals on campus and plug in my headphones, trying to cram all my work into an awkward amount of time. I've been listening to The Wrens a lot (time-machine to junior year of highschool? Sure, why not), as well as Stars, The Stills, TV on the Radio, Radiohead, and a Beirut album I can't figure out the name of. Times like these call for comfort music, all the old favorites and albums I never get tired of. But god, I wish I had some extra money for a few new CDs.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Concert madness

I never really go to show anymore, but this month I've been a fiend for bar concerts and house shows of local artists. Here's a list of who I've seen in the past few weeks:

Adam's (my platonic soulmate) band, Order of the Crimson Wizards (show here). They pretty much melted my face off.
Crossfox: I don't know these guys but their show was incredible. I'm going to another of theirs on Tuesday for free.
Queen Amina: Arlo's band
Ten Killing Hands: Chris' band, who I somehow never saw before
Yogoman Burning Band: holy jesus, this was danceable.
Apollo Ghost: don't know these guys either but they ruled the hosue show
Police Teeth: definitely worth it
Addition: always a good show.
Nicole Zapel at Three Trees Coffeehouse. This was especially rad because I didn't even know my dear friend was a musician until recently. AND SHE IS INCREDIBLE.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Desert and the Polar Opposite


DSC_0233, originally uploaded by Little Box.

Maybe it's not exactly polar opposite, but coming back to Bellingham after 8 days in Moab wasn't exactly pleasant. I was desperately in need of some new scenery, some fresh thoughts and a chance to come back to a place I missed instead of hated. As much as Bellingham is impossible to be in sometimes, it felt good to come home (even amongst the soggy skies and bad drivers). But my trip gave me exactly what I hoped it would, and now I'm working on some journals channelling Maira Kalman to try and put words and pictures to the task of describing the dreamscape I woke up in for a week.

The trip was bizarre, mostly because it was so foreign and I was constantly learning new things about the landscape. The scale of the mountains and cliffs were impossible to judge since you could see miles in every direction. Distances looked dwarfed, trees stunted, rock faces undaunting (until you found yourself at their foothills). Inclines I wouldn't dream of climbing were surprisingly easy to shimmy up, sandstone was warm and welcoming. The rock structures seemed like celebrity houses- surprise succulent gardens grew zenlike out of rock that looks inhabitable, natural staircases and handrails weave luxuriously through the terrain. Caves and natural rock sculptures dot the landscape and art is everywhere; hundreds of differently textured rock slabs lay haphazardly along the ground, recalling the days that this desert was an ocean and ripples and waterdrops etched permanent into sandstone.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

WHAT

How am I 21 already?

Also, tonight is going to rule.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Last night


Ladyfriends, originally uploaded by Little Box.

Thank god for these ladies. Recently I remembered that I have friends, most of whom I really haven't seen in the last few weeks while I've been feverishly working on school. But last weekend I made a point to see a few and Hailey and Allison came by last night to roll in laughter and consider the possible causes of my flat, hard chocolate chip cookies (Results: I forgot half of the flour. Normally they're spectacular).

I've definitely got senioritis, and really the only things I want to do are hang out with friends late into the night and watch YouTube videos. And make more zines (I finished my prison one today), draw, read, get creative, cook, rent movies, organize stuff, and make plans. So, pretty much all I DON'T want to do is go to school. Go figure.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Prisons, prisons, everywhere!

I'm embarking on a a new adventure! Or rather, I'm making my first zine and its thrilling. For my human rights class we're pretty much allowed to do any sort of project on any topic related to modern day issues surrounding human rights, so I've decided to put together a "Prisons 101" zine. Apparently, zines are incredible. Before seeking out a way to integrate art and facts into an easily distributed and engaging format, I'd never given much thought to zines, but now that I'm on a roll assembling the content, I'm learning SO much, and the process is SO gratifying that even though I've only started my first one I'm making plans for all the next to come. What else do I want to learn about and share with others? I've been worried lately that once I graduate I'll lack the motivation to keep learning and seek out new things, but...maybe zines are the answer? Today I'm feeling driven and wildly proud of myself.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

In the words of Liz Lemon, BLURGH!

Yeah, BLURRRRRRRRRRRGH! BLURGH! OMG! BLURGH!

Ok, sorry. I'm honestly confused about the date (late February!? What!) because, no, I realize everyone always SAYS this, but I actually MEAN this: where did all my time go!? My theory is that college gets exponentially harder and goes by exponentially faster as you go along. Freshman year was blissfully easy and took forrrrrevvvvverrrr. Sophomore was only mildly more difficult. Junior year came and went, I worked my ass off, and now here I am, a quarter away from graduating and wondering if my brain melted out of my head when I was banging it against the wall.

I truthfully don't know how to feel about all of this. Its hard not to gripe about it 24/7, but I still would like to maintain at least a not completely-abrasive attitude about the universe, so I try to shut up most of the time. But few of my friends are in the same place right now, and its hard to feel understood or cared about when I really just need someone to ask me, "and how does THAT make you feel?" for a solid two hours or so. I have less than three weeks to accomplish everything. All things. All the stuff I haven't started yet. Research projects, anthropological interviews, volunteer work, senior project proposals, a lifesize painting of two figures on cardboard (I know, what?), a zine about prisons and two presentations. Holy jesus.

That, and then apparently my house is for sale and there are always business guys with their BMWs parked outside asking to see my house and Windermere posting notices threatening to evict me unless I kiss their asses and pay them fifty bucks, AND THEN I TAKE THE BUS TO SCHOOL TO FIND OUT THAT NO ONE EVEN BOTHERED TO SHOW UP TO CLASS TODAY! Which is why I'm concerned about a brain hemorrhage.

So here I am, desperately clinging to any rational thought processes I might possess while trying to fit in five required movie screenings for the Human Rights Film Festival during my only hours available to get allll this crap done.

So what do I do?

Well, yesterday I ate an embarrassing amount of cheesecake that another student dumpstered from behind the college, if that tells you anything. I ate like, a quarter of a cheesecake. Out of a dumpster. With my hands. How about that.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

my boy


my boy, originally uploaded by Little Box.

Valentines Day at Tennet Lake, wandering around the flooded boardwalk and reeds. Dinner at Pepper Sisters where I stuffed myself with chili oil topped salmon and raspberry cheesecake. I indulged my inner ten year old by ordering not one, but TWO large Shirley Temples. It was a beautiful day.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Ashamed

No, I can't believe that I've been so morbidly negligent of this blog. Even though no one reads this, I still feel theres some sort of importance in maintaining it, but obviously not enough so that I actually DO it. There's just too much lately! I'm amazed I've even been keeping my real journal lately, something that ranks higher on the list than littlebox, but still. Its just that the longer I'm in college, the more my interests get neglected, and even when I set out to make a concerted effort to do something, it rarely measures up to what I had in mind. Case in point: I'm finally writing on here, but what about? GEEZ. Photography has dropped to the bottom of the list, illustrating is slightly higher, journal's at the top, and somewhere in the middle is all the crap I'm required to do and the terrifying necessities of senior projects and post-graduation plans.

I'm really trying, but its hard to do all these things without stretching myself too thin. I just started an internship at Allied Arts of Whatcom County (I figured I'd better do something relevent since the Children's Museum went under and am thus unemployed). I'm hoping that eventually they might be able to give me some pointers on senior project ideas or even a REAL JOB when that becomes imminent. But in the meantime, its nice to have something worthwhile to do before classes start at noon or 1 instead of loafing around and hating myself for it. I'm also making an effort to go to the gym at least twice a week, since the past few years have allowed me to get flabbier and pastier by the day (YUM!). So there's that, and then my drawing assignments, research projects, and the clear, looming reality that in just a few months I will be a grown up. Or something.

Is it so much to ask for a really fun job with a cool boss that incorporates art where I won't have to call any strangers and I get long lunch breaks? Yes? Well then. Since I might have a few months to kill somewhere in there, I was thinking of roadtripping somewhere in the states to do some WWOOFING. Hopefully with horses, somewhere warm, on a farm thats not actually a cult disguised a farm. Hopefully.