Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Everyday Its Like 1989

Actually I don't really remember 1989 since I was a drooling pile of baby at that point, but the title of this blog is a little tribute to the new Moby album I just bought. Despite my dwindling bank account and my hours of monetary hand-wringing, I decided to once again convince myself that money is not a problem by purchasing not one but TWO new albums! Because for some sick reason, all it takes is a few purchases to trick my feeble little brain into believing that I HAVE NO CARES IN THE WORLD. Unfortunately, the album wasn't all that I was really expecting, but its always sort of touch and go with Moby. I saw him live at the Paramount some years back and it still tops by list of all time funnest shows, but I'm attributing that to the live aspect. On a record its just not entirely the same. "Play" will always be the peak of his albums, and "Last Night," what I just bought, is still pretty fun, but not blow-your-mind good. The other album I bought was the new Ratatat CD, "LP3," which is just as fun and dancey as ever, but I have yet to actually sit down and listen to it, since listening to it while cooking dinner/carrying on a conversation/searching for a house on craigslist doesn't really cut it.

But actually, despite my impulse buys and awkward money scenario (read: every day or so I transfer $20 from savings to checkings and examine my savings amount with extreme confusion), things are surprisingly okay. I'm not sure if it's just me calming down with the summer months or what, but these things aren't really getting to me right now. Searching for a house has been hellish, as college students are a wiley, sneaky, and frighteningly quick crowd who snatch up ALL THE GOOD HOUSES right from under your nose. Every day. All the time. No matter how polite/persistent you are to the property managers. One certain asshole wouldn't even rent to Tucker and me just because we were a couple, which I'm pretty sure is illegal, but I don't exactly have the time to seek that law out at the moment. I'll probably have to settle for this one less-than-perfect-but-mostly-acceptable-apartment pretty soon if nothing turns up in the next day or so. Whew! I'll just be glad when its over and I can stop thinking about living situations for another year or so.

In the meantime the only thing really bothering me is the sad news that a longtime friend of mine has decided I am no longer worthy of being her friend, for reasons I can only guess and then try not to feel too bad about. This person has been a dear friend of mine ever since first grade, and never have we had any major breakdowns/fights, or really any disagreements I can recall. I've always loved her, and whenever we were together we'd have a blast and I'd feel good to be around her again on whatever vacation break we were on until we'd part ways for another few months. But then something changed and she'd ignore me, my phone calls, say she was busy or that she didn't feel well or was too tired or something. And then it just sort of fizzled out, and my repeated attempts to get in touch and see how she was were met with nothing, until I heard through the grapevine that she just wasn't interested in my friendship anymore. There were months of me beating myself up for reasons I could only guess and wondering, still wondering actually, why I was singled out as the undesirable one. I just think the whole process of eliminating me from her life is wildly distressing. I understand that as we all get older and start going our own separate directions we'll inevitable have less in common and less desire to keep our ties. But there are also ways to let things die naturally, people do it all the time, and why she couldn't be content with that and instead had the need to sever all ties so dramatically is not only painful to me, but incredibly selfish. If it had to be this way, I'd at least like a reason, but she's decided to skulk away without even having to face me and tell me what exactly is wrong with me. I just think its pretty fucked up to put one of your best friends through heartbreak without ever having to feel the least bit of guilt or responsibility. And why only me? No one else I know of got the boot, and I just really can't see how I am so completely less worthwhile than every one of her other friends. What did I do? It's infuriating to me, but at least now I've had since around January to coem to terms with reality so I'm not too bent out of shape about it anymore. But when I do think about it, there's this ridiculous inner dialogue that goes something like this:

SALLY 1: What did I do? Why I am so lame? Why doesn't she love me anymore?
SALLY 2: Get over it. Its not your fault. Its impossible that this has anything to do with your faults.
SALLY 1: But I love her.
SALLY 2: But she's crazy enough to cut someone close to her out of her life with no remorse, so you shouldn't feel too bad about getting rejected by a crazy person.
SALLY 1: I don't like getting rejected by anyone, even if they're crazy, if they were my friend.
SALLY 2: But she is crazy. There is no logic. There is nothing wrong. Stop pinning it on you. You never did anything wrong.

And so on and so on. Its a remarkably stupid and cyclical process. Mostly I'm terrified of seeing her in person, because if I did I'd probably simulatenously reach for the closest blunt object to throw at her head while sobbing and screaming LOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEE! I MIIIIIIIIIIISS YOOOOOOOOOOOU!

Thus, Sally might be a little nutso herself. But if you treat her nicely and try to be good to her like she is to you, she stays mostly sane. Well, as long as its not the holidays or final-paper time.

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