A 4-hour off and on in-brain conversation with myself has really made me realize something. Here I was, trying to talk myself out of yet another "No, you aren't," "Yes, you are," internal dialogue when I realized that I am exactly like those cartoon characters with a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on another. Unfortunately, instead of talking me into or talking me out of wily hi jinks and general hilarity, it has a lot more to do with my self-esteem/mental health/generally being okay with the world. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself. Days go by and I feel fantastic about myself, totally in love with everything I am and everything I think I can be. Suddenly I'll remember this awful thing someone said to me, that one time no one stood up for me, all the elaborately drawn and written letters I sent and never got an answer in return...and then it snowballs into feeling completely worthless.
Really, my dialogue with myself today was so painfully circular and a waste of time, but luckily all the time spent in my own head while I rearranged flowers at the flower shop helped me realize I very much have a good sally and a bad sally. Here's a sample from my brain, verbatim, if it could talk.
Bad Sally: X said so and so about me and it really pissed me off and no one came to my rescue and that is so unfair.
Good Sally: Whatever, he's insecure and you're a good person and you should really love yourself regardless of what people around you say and do.
BS: Yeah, maybe, but everyone else has a bazillion friends who throw them parties and write them letters and love them unconditionally. If you were worthwhile, you'd have that.
GS: That's not true, you're exaggerating and it only seems that way because you witness things and romanticize them.
GS: See, everything is fine and you're great and you should really learn to love yourself more in the face of badness. Maybe you should check out some self help books or something and seriously devote yourself to that for awhile.
BS: That could be a good idea....wait a minute. Only loser housewives in American Beauty and on sad TV shows do that stuff. If you did that you'd be deemed pathetic and you'd live up to it. Everyone else is perfectly okay with themselves without stupid books and you can be too.
GS: Well then, what's your solution?
BS: This conversation is, loser, I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING HERE.
Well, that was fairly disturbing to actually write down. But its ALWAYS LIKE THIS, and seriously? Can't there be a better way? Maybe, says Rational Sally, now that I've pinpointed the distinct problem in my logic of Good Brain versus Bad Brain instead of NORMAL BRAIN ALL THE TIME, maybe now I can utilize that Counseling Center on campus and make good my parent's hard-earned money.